Open Relating: Explore the Freedom, Face the Challenges
By open relating, I mean non-monogamous relationships where everyone involved consents to their partners also seeing others. I am not talking about cheating or having affairs.
There are different ways to open relate:
- Polyamory usually refers to having one or more side-by-side relationships. These can be sexual or just romantic. Psychology Today offers more insight into what polyamory is.
- Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) is a general term used for any relationship where everyone involved is in consent to engage in other sexual/intimate/romantic relationships with multiple people. As such, it crosses over with the definition for polyamory.
- Swinging refers to swapping partners, usually without forming long-term, side-by-side relationships with others.
If you are deciding whether this is something that may be right for you and your relationship, below are some reasons why others choose to relate in this way, as well as the benefits and drawbacks.
“Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.” — Osho
What Are the Benefits of Open Relating?
Open relating can be appealing for some of these reasons…
Fun
Being able to go on dates, fall in love with new people, and feel NRE (new relationship energy) can be exciting. And this doesn’t just refer to the person experiencing it, as their partners can feel compersion – a feeling of joy when seeing one’s partner having a good time with another.
Overcoming Mismatched Sexual Desire
In some relationships, or at different times over the course of the same relationship, it is common for one partner to have a higher libido than the other. This can be the case from the beginning or, frequently, can develop over time in long-term relationships. This can lead to issues within the relationship, and open relating can be one way of addressing this to ensure that everyone’s needs are met. In many cases, it can also prevent an otherwise unnecessary break-up.
Open Relating Helps Address Bisexuality
In some relationships, one or both partners are attracted to the same sex. If this is the case, open relating allows other connections to be explored, whilst still staying together.
Fresh Energy and Increased Sexual Activity
Having other sexual partners can bring fresh energy into the existing relationship, and sometimes new people and ideas too. Many couples and other relationship constellations benefit from having more than one sexual partner.
It Enhances Communication
The ability to communicate effectively with your partner about your hopes, fears, feelings, and boundaries is critical to making an open relationship work. That’s probably why, according to Blue, being in an open marriage “improves and encourages honest communication between partners.” This can benefit all areas of the relationship, not just those relating to sexuality or other partners. Developing good communication skills can help to alleviate tensions and strains in all areas of the relationship.
More of Your Needs Can Be Satisfied
One person cannot meet all of your needs all of the time. “An open marriage allows both primary partners to have most or all of their wants and needs met,” Christene Lozano, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in sex and relationships, explains. Each partner may feel less strain as a result. For example, if one partner is into BDSM and the other is not, open relating can allow for that aspect to be explored with another.
You’ll Have More Faith in One Another
Some studies, such as one conducted at the University of Michigan, found that people in open relationships were as happy as those in monogamous relationships and more trusting of their partners.
Avoids the Pain of Cheating
Although open relating can be emotionally difficult, it can be less painful than finding out that your partner has been having affairs, which can destroy trust and the relationship itself.
Meet New People / Make New Friends
Your partner’s other partners (or metamours) can become wonderful, lifelong friends. At the end of the day, you already have something in common – you love the same person.
What Are the Difficulties of Open Relating?
It’s not all easy – here are some common challenges…
Unexpected Emotional Difficulties
Just because you think you are ‘not a jealous person’ and agree with your partner being with someone else, doesn’t mean you are immune to difficult emotions coming up. These can involve jealousy, anger, sadness, and frustration. For many, our deepest fears of being abandoned or feeling that we are not worthy will come up, even if we are not expecting it.
Did you know? Studies show that nearly 1 in 5 people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy, including open relating. Research highlights the importance of clear boundaries and communication to maintain trust and intimacy.
Impact on Self-Esteem
When your partner has other partners, it may cause you to worry that they are better in bed, more successful, more attractive, etc. This can potentially impact your self-esteem, especially if it is already low.
Power Dynamics in Open Relating
Having more than one partner means that elements of competition can creep in, with people arguing over who spends how much time with whom and where / when. If there is any disagreement between two people who are part of a wider network, it will often impact the whole network.
Unforeseen Circumstances
Despite precautions, things that were not anticipated – such as unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases – can have an impact on everyone involved.
Open Relating Requires Time
Being in a single relationship can be difficult and time-consuming. Being in more than one relationship at the same time can be draining on time and energy.
Scheduling Difficulties
Many people lead busy lives with full-time jobs and children. Trying to schedule time with different partners, whilst also meeting work and parenting responsibilities (as well as spending time with friends, family, doing hobbies, and hopefully having some free time!) can be complicated.
It May Not Be As Freeing As You Believe
Although the initial idea of being able to date and do what you want with whomever you want can seem appealing, in reality, this is not always so. If your partner (or number of partners) feel(s) hurt, you may find that you are spending more time talking through issues than actually dating.
Your Current Relationship May End
As new people enter the relationship dynamics, it is likely that connections with them will grow and deepen over time. Yourself or someone you are in relationship with may want to spend more time with this new person or these new people. Even with the best intentions, this can cause challenges in the existing relationship, sometimes leading to its breakdown all together.
It Is Not As Socially Acceptable As Monogamy
You may find friends, colleagues, and family members judging your choices, or even you as a person as a result of choosing to be in relationship with more than one person. Many poly people are not comfortable talking about all of their partners in social settings, talking about just one to fit in with the norm. Leaving the others out in this way may feel uncomfortable, or lead to a sense of not being fully oneself.
Getting Support with Open Relating
Open relating can be both wonderfully exciting and unexpectedly demanding — it requires deep love, trust, and self‑awareness.
If you are considering opening up, or are already navigating non-monogamy – seeking support can help.
If you’re exploring or navigating non-monogamy, I can support you with tools for clarifying and expressing your boundaries, managing emotions and conflicts, and exploring relationship structures (such as polycules, primaries, or relationship anarchy) that feel right for you.
Updated October 2025