Wheel of Consent: Deepening Connection Through Conscious Touch
The wheel of consent is a diagram that looks like a circle which is divided into four quadrants. It has been developed by Betty Martin, a sexologist andintimacy coach. The wheel of consent is a tool that deals with the dynamics between two people when they exchange touch. Being in consent means that both people who are engaged in either giving or receiving touch want the interaction to happen, and enjoy it. The tool also looks at what happens when either one of the people is not in consent, calling this ‘the shadow’. Read more about the shadow and ‘shadow work’.
The Quadrants
In brief, the four quadrants are separated into two pairs. Giving-Receiving and Taking-Allowing. In the giving-receiving dynamic, the person who is the receiver asks for the kind of touch they would like to receive from the giver, for their pleasure. In turn, the giver takes some time to feel into the request and, if they genuinely want to give this gift and it would feel good to them too, would give the kind of touch to the receiver that was asked for. For example, the receiver may ask: “Would you stroke my hand for three minutes for my pleasure?” and the giver may reply: “Yes, I’d love to”.
In the taking-allowing dynamic, the taker asks for the kind of touch that they would like to give to the other person, for their pleasure. The allower takes some time to feel into the request, and, if it is something that they genuinely want to allow and would also feel good to them, consent to the touch. For example, the taker may ask: “Can I stroke your hair for three minutes for my pleasure?” and the allower may reply: “Yes, you can”. This dynamic is often more difficult for people in the ‘taking’ quadrant because we are not usually accustomed to asking to give touch to another for our own pleasure. Some also associate ‘taking’ with taking something by force, which is not how it’s meant in this context.
The Shadows/ Saying No
Regardless of which quadrant the participants are in, being in consent implies that they are happy with the interaction going on. In order for this to be the case, it is important for both parties to feel into their bodies to make genuine requests of what they want to experience, and for their partners to be honest with what they are wanting, or not wanting, to give or allow.
Participants may stop being in consent when they are either not genuine with the request, or unable to say ‘no’ to something which has been requested of them. Take the example above, where the receiver asks the giver to stroke their hand. If the giver says ‘yes’, when they do not want to do this, they are not in consent. Betty calls this ‘shadow’ of the giving quadrant a martyr, do-gooder, or someone who forgets themselves. It is therefore important to be able to say no to something we do not want to experience.
Similarly, if the person in the allowing quadrant is not able to say ‘no’ to a request from the taker for access to their body, they are enduring or tolerating the touch, and are therefore not in consent, either. When one person is not in consent, the other is automatically not in consent, too. Therefore, for healthy, enjoyable interactions it is important that both people are having a good time and enjoying themselves. For a deeper dive into trauma-informed practices that complement the Wheel of Consent, Somatic Experiencing International offers science-based education on nervous system regulation and embodied healing.
Use of Wheel of Consent in Tantric Healing Therapy
The Wheel of Consent is a great tool for couples, as well as individuals. It cultivates the practice of many important skills, such as being able to feel the body to find out what is truly wanted and being able to communicate that. Equally, the tool teaches practicing both saying and receiving a no healthily. I find with my clients that once they learn this tool, they start to apply it to many different areas of their lives. These include interactions with colleagues, friends and family members, and not just experiences involving touch.
The Wheel of Consent offers a powerful framework for enhancing connection, communication, and consent.By understanding and applying its principles, individuals and couples can navigate their interactions with greater clarity, authenticity, and mutual respect. Read more about the importance of consent and boundaries in tantric massage therapy.
For a more in-depth exploration, consider visiting Dr. Betty Martin’s official website.If you’re interested in personalized sessions incorporating the Wheel of Consent, feel free to get in touch.
Updated June 2025